HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Fellow Queens!

As we say goodbye to 2009 and look ahead to 2010 (twenty ten or two thousand and ten? You decide) let’s wrap up the year with a quick look back at the Queendom.

What have we covered? Sex ed, head lice, how to get them (grudgingly) to help around the house, how to be a cool mom and the most talked about topic - disciplining the little darlings.

Whew, was that one a hot one!

I want to thank you for inviting me into your world each week. Raising boys is a wild ride and I am so glad we are here for each other. I also want to thank you for all your stories and wisdom (let’s have more in 2010, after all, this is a forum for you!)

And finally, here are some of my favorite “Things Only Moms of Boys Say” that you have sent me this year.

I told you it would hurt if you wrapped your face with hockey tape.

Who put their underwear on the top of the TV?

Don’t ride your bike in the house, only outside. I don't care if it was in here for Christmas it goes outside now.

What do you mean you locked your brother in the trunk of the car?

No you cannot hit your brother on the head with the bat, I don't care what he did.

Please don't let the cat eat out of your mouth, it'll give him bad habits.

No you may NOT climb in the fridge to see if the light stays on when the door is closed. The light is off when the door is closed. How do I know? I just do, I'm the mom.

No we cannot trade in your baby brother for a monster truck.

No, you can’t ride your skateboard off the roof into the pool. No a kite won’t help guide you to the pool. Give me that umbrella. I don’t care if Mary Poppins did it, you can’t!

And finally, the one I have been telling my boys for 13 years now:

Girls can do anything that you can. Even pee standing up. It might be messy, but I can do it.

Here’s to a joyful, healthy, ER-free 2010!

Reign On!

Queen Linda

My boys are in the next room

writing their Christmas lists for Nana.

I just heard my son ask his brother how to spell, 'Nunchucks'

All They Want for Christmas is......

Fellow Queens!

Your boys crack me up.

Here is what some of them are asking for.

My 8 year old asked for a “ a vegetarian Tyranasaurous Rex- so he doesn’t eat me” - Queen Jennifer

After seeing the commercial my son Jason asked me if the Nuva Ring was a bracelet. He wanted to get it for me for Christmas! -Queen Erin

My Prince Joey, 18 years old, asked for a hair clipper last Christmas, which we gladly gave him after his years of long hair. He began cutting his own hair and experimenting on others. He has developed what I call the “He-Man Haircut.” His friends or brothers sit on a stacked pair of tires and choose their buzz number. After cutting their hair my son the barber gets out the lawn blower to blow the excess hair off of them. -Queen Jenny

My son asked the mall Santa for a rock wall for his playhouse (which he added "I hope he doesn't bring me a small one!!!" -Queen Jenny

This year my five year old son asked for a remote controlled flying saucer that will do whatever he tells it to do, including landing on people's heads.

Get shopping Queenies!

Queen Linda

Outing Santa

Fellow Queens!

Depending on how old your boys are this may be the year that they ask you if Santa is real. I was able to make it to ten before I figured out that the simple logistics of getting toys to every good boy and girl in one night where not in Santa’s favor and that my parents must have been his accomplices all those years.

And what about the toys? Every time you see elves on TV or in the movies they are working on wooden choo choo trains and jack-in-the-boxes. How could they possibly have made my Easy Back Oven?

After a few years of sliding by with a rousing “If you believe, you receive!” the jig was up. When Prince Tim was ten he came to me with a very serious look on his face and said, “Mommy, you have never lied to me. Tell me the truth. Are you and Daddy Santa Claus.” Never lie to him? Boy is that kid snowed.

Actually I was pretty greatful that he made it to 10 before he asked me about it. I guess he wasn’t listening when that little brat announced to the preschool class that Santa was a sham. I immediately pegged that four year old as a future inmate.

Realizing that there was no way out, I spilled the beans. He had this half injured, half understanding look on his face. Then he turned to me and said, “Are you and daddy the Easter bunny too.” “Yes honey.” He gave it one last hopeful try. “Tooth Fairy?” Yes I said, completely ending a part of his childhood. He was pretty stoic about it and promised not to tell his brothers. My 8 year old Prince Christopher still believes and the older two have fun helping put together bikes and Transformers for him. Goodness knows, no eggnog slugging Queen should even attempt to put together a Schwinn on Christmas Eve.

if you want to extend the beauty of Santa just a little more I suggest this new book The Truth About Santa: Wormholes, Robots and What Really Happens on Christmas Eve by Gregory Mone. Using science and technology Santa’s seemingly impossible tasks are simply explained. Mone says, "Santa's suit is laden with what are called metamaterials, which have the effect of bending light around a person so that they turn invisible."

And speaking of books and the tooth fairy, our royal scribe Sheri Bell-Rehwoldt’s book So You Think It’s Easy Being the Tooth Fairy is up for grabs. Check it out.

And finally send me or post the crazy things your boys have asked for over the years and I will put them in next week’s address.

Reign On!

Queen Linda

The Tooth Fairy ROCKS!

Ever wonder about the origins of the tooth fairy legend?

I mean really, think about it for a moment. Our kids lose a tooth and we tell them that this mysterious pixie with a bicuspid fetish is going to trade them canines for cash. What up with that?

One theory is that the whole story started back in the 18th century with a French fairy tale called La Bonne Petite Souris by Madame D'Aulnoy. Unforturnately the tradition didn’t originally star our familiar sprite with a bite. Oh no. Instead of a fairy there was a MOUSE. That’s right -vermin. A mouse that turns into a fairy to help the good queen by hiding under the evil king’s pillow and then torturing him by knocking out all his teeth.

Yes people, this version of the tooth fairy fable has its roots in domestic violence.

There are different traditions in other parts of the world. In some Asian countries the kid is supposed to throw the tooth on the roof or shove it into a space under the floor. If that isn’t weird enough while they dispose of their teeth they have to wish that their tooth be replaced with a mouse’s tooth. Again with the rodents. Supposedly having your teeth grow your whole life like rat’s teeth do is a good thing. It doesn’t sound like something I would want for my guys. By the time they were in their teens they would look like sabre tooth tigers. But we really should have followed the tradition of throwing baby teeth straight up and down in the air. Theoretically the permanent teeth would then come in straight. Wish I had known that one earlier, it would have saved me thousands at the orthodontist.

An older version of the story that says that the reason you have to dispose of the tooth is because of witches. These hags would use pieces of your body -teeth, hair, fingernail clippings- to curse you. Can’t you imagine? “You better pry up some of the hardwood floor Johnny or a witch will cast a love spell on you. All the girls in your class will fall in love with you.” That would drive my 1st grader to grind his teeth into dust and scatter them in the ocean.

Most kids lose their first tooth when they are five or six. To mark this occasion and to pacify kids that were afraid of the act of losing teeth the tooth fairy started dealing in cash. The amount varies; my kids get eight shiny quarters, some kids get stock options and a golden parachute.

But whatever the origin of the story or how much cash is left under the pillow, the Tooth Fairy will always be a magical part of childhood.

Queen Linda’s Annual Holiday Gift Suggestions

Here it is my Majesties! Queen Linda’s Annual Holiday Gift Suggestions!

These toys are 100% boy approved. And even if you don’t want these little playthings in your home, I know you have demon nieces and nephews to shop for. Pick which sibling you hate the most and order away!

#5 Snot Shot

I love the way the manufacturer advertises this little gem. “You no longer need to stick your finger up your nose to fire globs of gooey snot at your friends.” And don’t forget, it shoots up to 40 feet!

#4 Owl Puke

Shopping at this website, Gardening with Kids.org sounds like a lovely idea. You envision a gift that can teach the kids how to plant flowers, lower their carbon footprint, grow hemlock. Not so. The Owl Puke kit contains a owl pellet promised to “contain the skeleton of at least one owl meal, be it a mouse, vole, shrew, or small bird.” Bone-sorting tray included.

#3 Mr. Mouthy Mouth

I never knew they named a toy after my boys! This is a finger puppet that has

squishy rubber gums, teeth, tongue and bulging eyeballs. If they could get the eyes to roll it would really be my teenager.

#2 Squidgy Maggot Maggot Blood Ball

I’ve never seen real maggots. Hopefully this would be the closest I ever get. This little treasure ships from the UK. But worth it. Cheerio!

#1 Radio Controlled Nasty Hairy Rat

This lifesized faux rodent sports an evil looking face, snarling teeth and beady eyes that glow red when he moves. Want to clear those loitering relatives out? Here’s the ticket.

I’m off to get my credit card.

Reign On!

Queen Linda

OMG Edward! OMG Jacob!

Looking back, what was I thinking?

I took two 13 year olds, my niece and my son, to see the vampire movie Twilight Saga: New Moon. After school. On opening day. Again, what was I thinking?

In case you have been under a rock since 2005, let me bring you up to speed. Stephanie Meyer is the author of a series of four books called Twilight. The epic romance of the human Bella and her never ever, ever, ever, ever dying love for the bloodsucker Edward are wildly popular books. As in 85 million copies sold popular. Think Harry Potter for chicks, but Harry and Ron would be way hotter.

And no wonder, the book's prose is superlative. Bella says, "Though I respected the need for maintaining a safe distance between my skin and his razor-sharp, venom-coated teeth, I tended to forget about trivial things like that when he was kissing me." As cheesy as a Mexi-Melt at Taco Bell, yes?

When we arrived for the 4:45 showing the place was packed. Every showing that night was sold out. If you don’t get tickets online maybe you can see it after Christmas.

A sea of girls dressed either a tad goth or adorned in Twilight t-shirts swarmed the theater vying for the best seats. A hush fell over the crowd as the house lights began to dim. And then -applause. Really? Wow, these girls are hard core.

The first time Edward’s ebony frame filled the screen the shrieking started. Only a pig farmer hears that much squealing. Sara Grinbergs, 13, of Lakewood said that at her showing, “EVERY time Edward came out they screamed. I’m more of a Jacob fan.” I’m on Team Jacob too. That is until I found out that the actor was 17. I think that is a felony in most states. “Well, he’s young enough for me Mrs. Ford,” says Ms. Grinbergs. Little whippersnapper.

Elise Horsak, 13, saw the movie twice over the holiday break. “The first time there was a lot of screaming but not so much the second time.” I guess the hard core yelpers were there early.

The movie did mess with a few long standing myths. According to the movie when vampires get in the sun they sparkle. What up with that? I was waiting for the guy to sizzle like a chicken McNugget in the deep fryer at McDonald’s. They don’t turn into bats and fly either. Edward and company had a garage full of Volvo’s. Safety first.

My son Matthew’s take on the whole thing? “It wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen. But I wouldn’t reccomend to guys.” I truly believe that he had a good time girl watching. When asked his opinion of the girl screeching he reports that it was, “Funny as hell.”